Write. Read. Repeat.

We have a house as a result of all the work, phone calls, and e-mails the last two days. Yet, I am nervous to celebrate. Sure, the drive is still a daunting 2,760 miles, but it still feels like something is going to fall through.

I do not have the best luck in life. It has always been that way. With both small things and big ones, something just always seems to go wrong. I do believe in some aspect of karma, both instant and reincarnate, so, like most people that do as well, I try to be good and respectful. As much as the average person can, I achieve this quite well. I have patience for strangers and have worked and volunteered for organizations that support the betterment of animal lives for the last 10 years. I do as much as I can to be eco-conscious and help out someone in need as much as possible. Still, I have the worst luck.

Now, I do not do all those things, just so I get a good karmic record. However, in believing in the idea of karma, it is a little disconcerting to know that even a person who sets their morals high and does their best to be kind in a world full of hate, even they can get absolutely shit on at times.

“Tough situations make tough people”, sure, but it’s nothing crazy deep and traumatic like that. I had a decent childhood, I was older when my parents separated, no one emotionally close to me died, and school was average with only mild bullying for half a grade (I was a dick in that situation though to be honest and probably deserved it). We are not talking about the, every fish I own jumps out of a tank, or that I’ve been in multiple car accidents, kind of bad luck. I have the kind of bad luck that doesn’t kill you, but it doesn’t make you stronger either. It is the kind of fuckery that might make you have a little sliver of optimism, but the second you feel like trusting the system or process, everything goes to hell.

The universe seems to have a gauge on my level of comfort in existence and if I settle in just a little too much, there’s a hurricane of misfortune. I get anxious about feeling happy. That if life seems like “its going good” for even a moment, a wave of dread containing the inevitable hits me like a tsunami. That in that moment, when clouds start to part, I know it is just a matter of time before something happens or doesn’t happen and that little bit of comfort vaporizes.

Again, it is never anything major; or at least hasn’t been so far. It is a menagerie of small to medium bits of shit, that balls up at the legs of the Dung Beetle of the Universe. For a while, it was not the little bit of misfortune that bothers me, it is the consistency of knowing it was coming and always would.

We havn’t talked much about spirituality here yet, and that deserves a post of its own, but the simplistic version is that I believe in universal energy within anything nature has created and that it can be tuned into. Nature is my temple and I do not believe in the Christian God, and only believe of the archetypal of the ancient Gods and Goddesses. That their energy can be present, but I do not work too much with any one in particular, if at all. I believe that listening to the trees will give you a better answer than any religious leader, who read a version of a book that they thought was the best one and took it upon themselves to vomit out what their version of their God told them to be the only truth possible. I believe that we have to look inward and fix our own shit before we can be happy with ourselves (shadow work). I believe that if science can prove it and it is probable, then it is real. If science cannot prove and it is probable, then it is real and we are just not there with the technology and research to explain it. If science cannot prove it and it is not probable, then that is for the imagination and the creative spirit; fun to leave to fantasy, but not turn it into something that it is not, real.

Ok, so the point of getting all that out, was to say that I believe in what you put out comes back. So, with that theory, if I am anxious about being happy or comfortable in a situation and expecting it to go wrong, then it will. “Then try thinking happy thought”, oh thanks, never thought of that one during panic attacks and night terrors. I have also done yoga and eaten vegan for over 10 years and guess what, I am still fucking anxious and depressed. I am not asking for help or suggestions. Save that crap for your own blog.

I have witnessed first hand what energy manipulation and the power of thought and personal-will working together can do, I’ve done it, but I still get hit with the tsunami. At this point in my life (all 26 years of fucking wisdom), I have almost found a sort of comfort in knowing what is to come. It is predicable at this point. We have a house, the lease is signed, we have an address, a move in date, a leave date, Uhaul scheduled, and almost done packing, and yet I have asked my husband six times already that this is for real and actually happening. That it is stable.

I don’t know what will happen, probably something during the drive; Murphy’s Law. Fortunately, my anxiety mixed with my science background, comes with the meticulous need to plan every detail, every step, and every possible option, good and bad. That probably does steam from all of this, but it helps in the sense that when the shit comes, I can tell myself that I planned for everything, it was just a matter of which route the storm ended up choosing.

I am excited to go back to my home state, to leave the south, and work at my old hospital, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t written with tears at how predictably shit my life is, I’ve accepted this fact. It actually felt good to write it down so it can occupy someone’s else’s head for a while.

So dear reader, is your life the rainbow or is it the rain cloud?