Write. Read. Repeat.

Of course my second-first day of college would fall on April Fools, a holiday rooted in hoaxes and pranks.

Being able to shift my career path and go to a “real” school (sorry Penn Foster) is a privilege I do not take for granted, but the imposter syndrome is already rearing its nasty face.

What I mean by that, is I got up around 2:30am this morning to let my old pup out to the bathroom and realized that all my class material has been up since midnight. With the pup back in bed, I have spent the last few, early hours of the morning, going over my course work, and have even posted my discussion forum assignment for my business class that is not due till Sunday.

Now, you may be thinking, “thats a bit extreme…”, and yes, I know it is.

The fear of failing and not being good enough is literally keeping me up at night, because my brain tells me that if I am not working on something constantly, then my time is being wasted and my output will suffer for it.

It is only the first 4 hours and 51 minutes into my first day of college and I am already feeling like a fake. Like I somehow cheated my way here, that I do not belong among my classmates. That I do not have the necessary requirements, skills, or brain power to be here. Perhaps this insecurity and shame comes from my deep-seated fear of failure due to how I was raised and how school was discussed and held above all else early on. Maybe it is my “if its not a 100% then it doesn’t matter” mindset. What ever it is though, I am here. And while I can and will be a bit “crazy” about being a perfectionist, I will try to remind myself of the why I am here. That this is a school and we learn at school. No one has the answer for everything, that everyone starts at ground zero with something new, and that life is a practice. With practice comes both success and failure, but each have a lesson with in them, respectfully.

I am not looking to be the best among others, to be “better” than them, for I am no narcissist, I simply want to have the self-validation and confidence that I see in those I admire for their dedication, knowledge, and wisdom.